Beau smiled at us this week. A real life non-gas bubble smile. I'm pretty sure in that moment I promised to never ground him, let him go to bed whenever he wants, eat all his Halloween candy in one night, and never give him a curfew. Such a fun baby "first"! The first time he smiled was a few a days ago, but I convinced myself it was just another well-timed gas bubble. He'd mostly been looking around and past me, not right at me. I'd been making a fool of myself talking to him, and he made eye contact for two seconds and did a huge smile. I chalked it up to normal infant mouth movements. But yesterday I was talking to him in the car, waiting for Devin to come outside. Two smiles in a row!! And a couple more today! We've been trying our hardest to get it on camera, but our efforts are unsuccessful so far (too bad....the smile Devin got out of him was the best!).Despite his smiles being few and far between, it doesn't take much for him to get me to smile. His facial expressions sometimes are hilarious. His noises are adorable, and I love it when he's awake and curious (despite sometimes being completely enthralled with the ottoman and his stroller box). I love that he's awake late at night wanting to see everything, therefore needing to be put in the Baby Bjorn while I get ready for bed and then walk him around the entire apartment. I love it when he looks at me.....because usually he's looking at everything but me. And I love to kiss his chubby cheeks, his forehead, his button nose, and his wide open mouth when he sleeps.
There are moments I look at Beau and think to myself, "Are you really mine?" (Plus I still can't believe I had a boy!) It's surreal to just suddenly be a parent, to be completely responsible for the life of another human being, to be in charge of their upbringing for the next 20 years....probably longer in reality. (Once a kid always a kid. I'll still need my parents when I'm 80). My life has completely changed. Beau actually belongs to us permanently. Truly, seriously, sometimes I feel like I'm going to wake up (after sleeping in!) and someone is going to tell me I was just playing dolls, and it's time to get back to reality. Those diapers and wipes and tiny socks in the dryer are just for play. That bouncer is not actually a part of the main room decor. But nope.....he's here for good (luckily!). Now a permanent part of our family. He goes where we go. He actually knows us.....I know he does.
There are days when I wonder if I'm doing a good job. I make multiple phone calls a week to my sister, my mom, and my friends to ask baby questions. I'm a pediatric nurse, yet when it comes to my own child I'm unsure about so much. And I really feel like mother of the year when he continues to scratch his poor face, I discover folds I didn't even know he had that need cleaning, and my organization and multi-tasking ability has been completely turned upside down. I usually run one errand a day--after 2:00pm--and then have to take the next day off. And sometimes he's fussy and I simply can't figure out what he needs despite my best efforts.
Fortunately, babies are somewhat parent-proof. He's 11 weeks old tomorrow and doing great as far as I can tell (I think! I hope!). He's healthy, gaining weight (my little butterball!), and is generally a content and predictable baby. Graduation day from the heart monitor was two days ago......the last monitor probe finally went bad. I was scared to death to go to sleep (we were only keeping the monitor on him at night), but we all made it through the night. And then another.
But most importantly, I love him so much. More than words can say. He is my everything (so is his dad). I'm glad he has completely changed my life. There was a day I picked him up to feed him, sat in the rocking chair (a must-have for any parent by the way.....thanks for giving it to me for Christmas mom), and looked into his huge blue eyes as he started to gulp his bottle (I almost hate how completely dependent they are on us for everything.....I feel so bad when I can't attend to his needs fast enough!!) and I started to tear up. Because I'm so happy he's mine, happy he's now healthy, happy to be called his mom. So happy I get to love him forever. Yes, I am that mom who cried tears of joy over her child and then wrote about it.
Because I'm still a picture-happy maniac, here's pictures from the past week. I'm thinking I like stripes??? I think I like dressing baby boys!
(In the Baby Bjorn washing bottles for bedtime)......
(Tummy time, using our zebra blanket as replacement for the black & white images used in his NICU crib)........
(Or just as a blanket.....)
Love you my little mister!!!!**By the way, I cannot comment on most people's blogs for some reason. It either puts me as anonymous, deletes my comment, or simply does nothing. I discovered this after multiple mornings of 4:00am blog stalking because I'm still up pumping after giving Beau a bottle. Anyone have a suggestion?
